On second chances...

Lately, I've noticed that there is a pressing view point that the best way to deal with a problem is to eliminate it via denial. For example, imagine you are having a conflict with another person. There is this new trend that if a problem arises, that the best thing to do is to eliminate the person from your life. There is no conversation or chance for apology, but rather a cold, hard deletion. It makes me wonder, what happened to second chances?

When I consider how people are removed from each others lives, I notice that it all comes back to a source of conflict and contention. This conflict and contention may be short lived, or it may be a long thing that has been building up for an extended period of time. As soon as it comes to head between the two people, it's becomes a make it or break it decision. You can eliminate the person from your life, or you can stay and work things out.

Theoretically, the easier thing to do is delete the person from your life. This logic follows by saying that if the person does not exist, that the problem does not exist. If the problem does not exist, your life becomes simpler. The logic does not dictate your attachments to the person, your feelings towards them, past experience, etc. It is the easy way out of a difficult situation. No one likes fighting.

What if the new model of problem solving was one of second chances? Think of where we would all be if no one would have given us a second chance. It's probably realistic to say that some of us would have failed out of school without that one professor that let us redo our assignment. We would have been in jail if it weren't for the second chance that our parents gave us when we messed up. We would be without friends without those that stand by you through the best and the worst in any given situation.

If you have an experience with someone, why would you give it up when it was difficult? Why wouldn't you give it a second chance? It's a difficult idea. To let go of the past anger, resentment and conflict and allow for a fresh start. The most difficult part is forgetting the bad things that have happened and trusting that the same person will not cause you the same pain again. But if you care, why would you give up?

I believe that in any situation, if someone lost someone that they cared for, they would always say that they wish they would have had a second chance, or that they would always give that person a second chance. This logic is followed by saying that either or both parties would do things different, and apologize. Instead we walk away from difficult situations and sit and commiserate with ourselves over our poor choices and the things that we wish we would have different.

This second chance concept now goes two different ways. First of all, if you have the opportunity, treat the person now the same way you would if you were given a second chance and you were trying to prove how much you cared. Show them the unconditional love and grace that they deserve. On the other note, never be afraid of second chances. People do change, but you have to let them change for themselves. You can not change them based on what you want, or based on what you think is right. You must let them realize the change needed for themselves. However, if someone does go through the process of changing, you must give them the second chance to see that they have changed.

It's this thing called grace. If you deserve it, it isn't grace. But that's what makes up our relationships with other people. The fact that sometimes people do not deserve our time and our love, but we give it to them because it is appropriate and we know that they need it. Never take for granted the time that you have with people, but also never take for granted the importance of grace and second chances.

If no one ever extended you grace, or second chances, where would you be today?

On moving...

As I began to pack to come back to school, I immediately encountered unsurmountable frustration. While I wasn't taking back much more than I came home with, I found that nothing fit anywhere. I just ended up with tons and tons of extra bags, and this overwhelming feeling of disorganization. But it got me thinking.....

The majority of us have a fear of moving and change. I myself, am included in this group of fear. I do not like change. Once things are well and settled, I want them to stay. I am a creature of habit. I like what I like and I like it that way. However, I find myself to be a transient person. I do not like staying in any one place for too long, and I get bored if I am in any one pattern for two long. Yet when things change, I long to go back for what I once had. It's a giant conundrum. If you got lost in that last paragraph, I apologize. 

Think about it this way - we all have a fear of change, and by packing we all are about to experience a change, be it temporary or permanent. But that little voice inside all of us longs for the change, which is why we ignore our fears and we pack and continue on. As the packing process continues, we soon learn that everything fits in the suitcase. This fabric case that can be transported wherever we go holds our lives. Upon traveling, the suitcase is opened up and our lives are examined before our very eyes by people we know little to nothing about. After that examination, we continue to move on. As much as the change and the unknown scares us, we take the suitcase with us, and we take all that we need to keep the familiar close and soften the blow of the unknown. 

Packing is one of the most stressful things I can possibly do. However, I enjoy unpacking and organizing. I don't enjoy the anxiety of the change, but I enjoy the final results of it. Life never stops changing. It's terrifying and we can never understand what is coming next. As scared as we are of change and what's next, everything fits in a suitcase. The suitcase is always with us, and so is the change. Don't let the change scare you, but let the suitcase comfort you.

Now, of course this is all metaphorical speak. The metaphor of packing and the suitcase stands for a larger theme of traveling and denial of stasis. The point of this being, that whatever we may need, we can always take with us. It will all fit in the suitcase. If it doesn't, that means it's meant to be left behind because something greater is coming to take its place. As you travel and people examine you before your very eyes, don't be afraid of the things they will see. Open up your story and share the contents of your suitcase as loud and proud as you can. Your story is beautiful and unique and deserves to be shared. Enjoy the change, as it stands for something greater that is in store. Do not fear the unknown, but let it be a comfort knowing what life is in store for you. 

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” 
― Terry Pratchett

Flaws

The other night I had a conversation with a friend about the notion of perfection. As we went back and forth in the debate, it was clear we had two different ideas about the notion. Then my friend presented the point that your flaws are what make you perfect.

If you know me at all, you know that I have a lot of these random and deep conversations. While I like deep thoughts, this is never a notion that I had previously considered. This conversation has stuck with me unlike any other I have had. It has left my mind in a paradoxical state that continues wandering as it looks for an answer.

From the time we are able to form thoughts, perfection is presented to us in an ideal that is lofty and unattainable. It is something that does not have a clear definition, but it is true that it can not be reached by any of us. Perfection is comparable to such wealthy ideals as diamonds.

So go with the idea of a diamond. The diamond is considered as close to as perfection as can possibly be attained on earth. But think of where the diamond came from. The diamond was not sent from another location considered to be lofty. Rather, it came from the opposite of what anyone would consider to be perfection. It comes from the ground and the dirt below us.

The dirt below us - the thing we take for granted. We take for granted it will always be below us, supporting us, keeping us up above. The thing we see as dirty and below us, both figuratively and literally, produces some of the most beautiful things we've ever seen. So if the nasty and the grimy are what produce perfection, do our flaws produce the perfection in us?

It's quite the ironical paradox to assume that the worst creates the best. If you think about it though, it's quite true. We all make mistakes, and there is no doubt about that. If you ask anyone about their mistakes, they can go back and explain various things they learned from their mistakes. Be it better decisions they intend to make, the changes they intend to make in how they treat others, the list is endless. But ultimately the mistakes that we make change something in us for the better.

The mistakes are the dirt in us, and they produce the perfection inside of us that is the diamonds.

"Many individuals have, like uncut diamonds, shining qualities beneath a rough exterior."
Juvenal

Love?

For those of you who know me, I am not an overly romantic person. I consider love to be something in a far off abyss that can never be reached. As I ponder this subject lately, I wonder what love even is. Does anyone really know? Can anyone define a singular emotion we spend our entire lives hoping to experience?

The other night I was with two of my high school friends. They are sophomores who started dating when they were freshmen. I've known the guy for years as he goes to my church, and I just recently started to become good friends with his girlfriend. As I drove them to their respective houses, when we got to the girls house, I instructed the guy to get out and go say goodbye to his girlfriend. I watched them get out of the car, as they grabbed hands and ran to the front door, I saw this smile and this look in their eyes that I will never forget. They preceded to say their goodbyes, and as I sat in my car and watched, I realized that for as young as they are, they know what love is.

Adults tend to take love quite seriously. No, I do not believe love is something that can be taken lightly. Adults tend to make "I love you" a phrase that is high and mighty above all others. One that can only be reached after months and months of patience and learning. One that can not be retracted. One that binds you to a person for eternity. One inflicting consequence. Adults believe the so called love that high school and college age students isn't real. They claim it is nothing more than a hormonal instinct based on obligations to say phrases inspired by societal norms.

Not to be contradictory, but yes, there are some people who don't understand love and its significance. We all know that one person who's been dating someone an hour and they decide they're in love, only to break up two days later. That's not love, that's just stupid. Anyways, I digress.

But what if the young kids have it right? What if love is that state of abandon? The state where it is you and the other person live in freedom. Freedom to experience emotions and expression and care. Freedom from the constraints of adulthoods. Freedom from the serious and cynical experience that jades us all form love. The vulnerability to be your true self with someone else and share life. A state of reckless abandon.

What if that unmitigated love that young ones model for us is the thing we spend our entire lives looking for? What if we let go of the constraints society puts on love and just let our feelings run? What if that unmitigated emotion we allowed ourselves to experience when we were young was the emotion we modeled the remainder of our love life off of? What if that unmitigated high school experience is the one you spend your life searching for after its lost? What if it comes back to you?

Let the resilient joy and vulnerability of that love just exist. Don't question it or push it away. Trust it. It's there for a reason. When you're scared and you run, remember you can always run back. If they love you, they'll be there waiting for you. 

“Love demands everything, they say, but my love demands only this: that no matter what happens or how long it takes, you'll keep faith in me, you'll remember who we are, and you'll never feel despair.” 
― Ann Brashares, My Name Is Memory

Forever alone?

I recently had a conversation with a friend. He asked if my life plan was to be forever alone. Let's be honest, my reaction towards him for asking such a frank question was less than pleasant. After a few days of pondering, I have a new respect for the question.

Does anyone really plan to be forever alone? I really can not possibly imagine any one person waking up and saying, I forever want to be void of romantic interaction for any plausible reason. No one commits to that out of their own volition. However, people come up with the idea and stick with it, often out of defeat. The defeat of a bad relationship and a lost love. The lost hope that ensues from that drives all of your decision making. To plan to be forever alone and to keep your expectations low means you will never re-experience the hurt and the defeat that got you there in the first place.

If you know me, you know that I have quite a low belief in romance and such. The thought frequently crosses my mind that my crazy life ambitions will get in the way of my ability to be married and such. Call it, my forever alone thoughts. I put it this way - I can have my cake, but I can't eat it too. I can get to New York and follow my dreams, and there is nothing in the way. I can't eat my cake too - I can't have a relationship while I'm doing it, mainly because most guys don't want to follow their girlfriends, but they want their girlfriends to follow them. I have a horribly dominant personality, and it just doesn't work that way. So, I ponder these thoughts.

Then I realize the beauty that comes with forever alone. Yes, there is pain involved within the defeat of that relationship you put hope in. But when you're going through the lowest of low is when you find yourself. You see things in yourself you never saw before. You see the truth of your personality as you explore new things, the strength that you have for persevering. After a long period of time, you realize the worst of it is over and you see the beauty from that situation, that you find you.

Without the pain, and without growing and learning from it, you will never see the truth of who you are. Without seeing the truth of who you are, you can never fully love someone else. Enjoy the time you are alone as you walk through and explore. The time you spend is not lost. You are not losing time looking for someone as you find yourself.

No one is ever forever alone.

(:

Independence

Today, my best friend called me, and said, "Hey, run a marathon with me." For those of you who know me, you know I can't even run around the block. I stuttered for a bit trying to find an answer. I mean, I have been wanting to work out more, and I felt that I needed a new goal in order to motivate myself. As I asked a few friends about it, a runner friend of mine answered and said, "I can't do it and I'm a runner, so you can't do it." At that moment, I immediately answered my best friend and told her, I'm all in.

As I sit back and ponder this conversation, I realize that my motivation for doing this marathon is only partially out of a desire to work out. The majority of the motivation stems from the fact that someone told me, I can't. See, when I was little, there were two rules in my house. One, I was not allowed to say "No." Two, I was not allowed to say "I can't."

If you've ever met me, you know that I am incredibly driven. I have goals that are above and beyond anything that most people would deem to be possible. Ask me my life plans and the things I'm doing to get there, and you will stare back at me in awe that I'm so organized and well thought through, but with complete confusion that I believe in myself that I can accomplish this. I realized that all of my motivation comes from constantly hearing, "You can't."

Yeah, I know this post is cheesy beyond belief. But let's be honest. There is no way I can possibly count the amount of times I heard, "You're not smart enough", "You're not good enough", "You won't get into college", "You won't get good enough grades", blah blah blah. Every time someone says I can't, my only instinct is to prove them wrong.

You can tell me I can't all you want. I am crazy ambitious. My life goals are far and above the atmosphere, waiting to be reached by one of NASA's crazy projects, even though NASA has no more funding. I know I'm crazy. Tell me I can't, but I will show you, I can do it and I will do it better than you ever imagined.

As I write this, I realize that there are so many flaws to this. First of all, there was a time when I quit as soon as someone said I couldn't do something. But after a while, I realized no one else can stop me from the things that I want to accomplish. It's my life. But why do we all so often get put down? Why do we let others stop us? Why do others feel the need to put others down?

It's a competitive world, and by no means is this post about to turn into an overly hipster rant on how we should all love each other. The point is, when you're competing, you can do it two ways. You can put others down, or you can work your hardest to reach your goals. When people put you down, you just have to work harder.

So go forth, commence, and do better.