You speak art?

I found this post today while trolling social media. I'm deeply invested into modern and contemporary art so I find to article incredibly fascinating. On a personal bias, I do really like a lot of these artists. But on a larger issue, I think it's fascinating that a group of "journalists" like Vanity Fair, which is known for exploiting females and being focused on surface issues has decided to delve into a larger issue. Even more interesting is that it reveals our cultural bias in the artists we see as prominent. However, I do really appreciate that the one female artist that we know, Kara Walker, is one that completely delineates all gender and racial boundaries in art. Check it out! 

http://hyperallergic.com/92898/vanity-fair-names-the-six-greatest-living-artists/

On understanding...

I just found this article... everyone should seriously take the time to read this. It is hands down, one of the most beautiful and well educated things I have ever heard a man say about strong and educated women. No matter what you believe, take the time to read his thoughts.

http://sean.terretta.com/dont-date-a-girl-who-reads-charles-warnke

"Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love."

On happiness.

I've noticed lately in life, that happiness is one of the biggest enigmas ever. It's a broad and powerful statement, but it's true. We spend our entire lives fighting for happiness. In that process, we make permanent decisions. What we will study, who we will be with forever, whether or not we have kids, what our career will be, where we will make our home, etc and etc.

I think happiness can be achieved. It's about very different things than we think though. It's not about money, it's about doing what you love. It's not about who you're with, but rather total self acceptance in that who you are is okay, and sharing your self acceptance with the world. It's about accepting that life is what it is, and even though there are a lot of things wrong with the world, saying okay and moving on. Let me clarify - I'm not saying, say world hunger is okay and move on and let people starve to death. Larger third party like issues are definitely something that we can all pitch in and help out with. I mean accept imperfections that are minor, and that you can't help - like you don't like your mother in law's closet. Just deal with it and move on. And buy her a new wardrobe for Christmas ;)

I don't think that we know how to handle happiness. It's a rare moment when the world is at an equilibrium that we can accept and consider happiness. It's one thing to recognize that it exists. But when it does exist and we see that, I think we go into shock and denial. Shock that things may actually be okay and that we can go on for a while without problems. Denial that that is really the truth that the storm has passed.

I think the denial that comes with happiness can turn into a series of creating problems. We start to nit pick and find things that are wrong, because we are so used to things never being okay. Sure, all of the problems that did exist are gone, but what do we do when they're gone? Create more problems as a means of survival, because we retreat to what we know. And let's be honest, the problems we create are incredibly stupid. They aren't real problems, nor do they require real attention and solutions.

Let's be honest. Life is rough. There is no way to deny that the world is a messed up place full of injustice and problems not only in our own lives but in our country and our world as a whole. But happiness exists for a reason as a reward for getting through the stuff in life that just sucks. But there's gotta be a point in life where you just accept it, and say okay, and move on with the world. Problems will exist soon enough that they don't need to be created.

Trial and error is life. Challenges and obstacles are apart of the rule book that is life. Enjoy the happiness - it's not gonna last forever. But treat yourself to being strong and making it through. Perseverance is rewarded by happiness - don't take it away from yourself.

In essence....

On the sea....

Last night I had a dream about the sea. It was after a flood and the waves were aggressive and constant.  While I was walking through and playing in the water, I ran across a random person. I began talking to him, and I told him how much I loved the water. And then I woke up...

First of all, maybe it wasn't a sea. It was under a bridge and it was shallow enough I could be in it. Second, this dream really baffled me, because right as I was about to describe the water was when I woke up. Meaning that I was at a self epiphany and it was disrupted, forcing me to consider the epiphany.

It's true - why do I love the sea and the water? Why do I love the beating waves? Something about the beating waves shows them in their true state. They are vulnerable, restless, and constantly changing. They are never complacent. They move on and change as they please, without regard to anything else. They are aggressive and come and go and do as they please. Yet they leave an impact on you that you'll never forget. When you leave the waves and go to lay down at night, you still feel the ebb and flow of the waves hit you as you drift to sleep.

Maybe that's why I like the waves - they are as restless as I am. They change as much as I do. I'll be honest, I really don't do well with permanence. I need to be constantly changing. I need the constant stimulation of the unknown. I dislike when the world is predictable. Paradoxically, I hate surprises, but I also hate permanence.

So maybe I missed the epiphany in the dream, but I see it now. I love the waves because they are restless and relentless. They inspire me to constantly move and change to get where I want to be. I could sit and watch the waves forever, because they are never the same as they move from one point to the next. They leave you impacted and breathless, and then move on to do the same to the next person.

The waves are everything I want to be.

On Social Injustice....

Lately, I've been pondering a lot on first world problems and social injustice. Any teenager or young adult makes jokes about first world problems, like when your iPhone won't load Facebook or you don't have enough followers on twitter. On the other hand, the rest of the world focuses on the extreme physical poverty in third world countries. Don't get me wrong, I think it's absolutely devastating the conditions that people live in, especially when you consider the $50 a week Americans spend on Starbucks that could spent literally helping those families live in a palace. However, I think there's a definite first world social injustice that we all tend to ignore.

We live in a society of mass consumption and chaos. We move at the speed of light in a guided tunnel to serve ourselves and our own desires. After those needs are met, we occasionally join various social circles in order to meet a psychological need for interaction with others, but we leave the interactions at a surface value. In the end, we are at a distance from ourselves and those around us. We do not ever truly emotionally engage on a deeper level because of a fear that we will not be met half way.

On the surface level, we just say we are neutral. We say we don't care. For many people we can follow up our neutrality with stories of devastation about why we don't care, and why we don't have any emotions about a situation. We rationalize that not having emotions is simpler, because if you don't care, you can't get hurt. I've come to realize this is the great social injustice - that we all walk around pretending that we don't care, when we all share the same desire for someone to meet us in our vulnerability and to just care.

I wonder what the world would be like if we had no fear and we all cared. If we lost our state of neutrality and stated that we cared, and stated what our honest emotions were about our struggles. What would happen if we let someone in to our darkest state? What if we let go of the experiences that jaded us and trusted that there are those that are different and that care? What if we realized our past devastations are simply a faded memory that are used to make us better?

I will be the first person to admit that I've been in that state of neutrality followed by a myriad of experiences. Lately, I've just spent a lot of time thinking about it. Whenever you ask someone, what's your story, it all follows the same model. I grew up and there were struggles, but it was okay, then there's that one event that changes your entire existence, and since then you become numb to the world around you. We are all the same in that we have all had that one struggle that has defined who we are.

If we could share our stories, we would all be different. If we could all meet each other in the middle, we would find we are all similar, the world would be a better place. The social injustice of the first world where no one cares about anyone is just as anguishing mentally and emotionally as the physical poverty in the third world. I would never try to diminish the poverty of the third world. But every day people say that they want to help in some way, but there's a list of excuses, like not having money or not having time or resources to go to a third world country and build a house or to donate to a non profit organization. You could change the world right now by simply smiling at a stranger and asking, "What's your story?"

“See relationships they often remind me that I’m not afraid of heights or falling but I’m scared of what’s gonna happen the moment that my body hits the ground. I’m clumsy, yesterday I tripped over my self-esteem, I landed on my pride and it shattered like an iPhone with a broken face, now I can’t even tell who’s trying to give me a compliment.

I’ve never been in the military but I have this purple heart. I got it from beating myself up over things I can’t fix. I know this sounds weird but sometimes I wonder what my bed sheets say about me when I’m not around. I wonder what the curtains would do if they found out about all the things I’ve done behind their backs. I’ve got a hamper that’s overflowing with really really loud mistakes and a graveyard in my closet and I’m afraid that if I let you see my skeletons, you’ll grind my bones into powder and get high off my fault lines..” - Rudy Francisco

On Mirrors.

Today, I was reading about conceptual art and minimalism. Hang tight, I promise this isn't all about art. As I read about the artist's intentions and the socio-political context of the time (1960's/1970's), I was struck by how the artists tried to deal with the chaos. Each artist had a different idea, be it making references to classicism or resorting to new ideas that tried to find simplicity within the chaos. One composition struck me particularly.

The artist was trying to enclose the viewer. When you are surrounded by this, you are surrounded by mirrors. There is no way to look down at the floor or to avoid the gaze of the mirrors. Everything you do in the room reflects and deflects until you are forced to look at yourself. No sidestepping or avoidance, just you confronting yourself.

On one note, there's the art side of me that realizes why people don't like modern art because it forces you to confront yourself. That honest conversation with yourself is terrifying.

On another note, something about this composition has still grabbed me. How often do we honestly stop and look at ourselves in the mirror and have an honest conversation with each other? How often do we honestly confront ourselves? Sometimes, we have friends in life that confront us and ask us the hard questions. However, we can still avoid them in a dialect.

This mirror represents so much more than a controversial world of modern art. It represents how we avoid ourselves and the difficult of our lives. If you took ten minutes to sit down and confront yourself in this composition, what would you find? What would you find within your brutal honesty? Could you look at yourself and be happy? Can you look at yourself and say you're proud of yourself and your accomplishments?

I, like most people, would be terrified of this conversation and what would come of it. Yet there's a part of me that craves that kind of honestly. It makes me question what I would find if I confronted myself in that way. I could ask myself a million questions, but would I ever find the answers? How would I confront the claustrophobia I would be forced into?

I don't know that I have the answer to this. I don't know that there is an answer. I just think it's important we all confront ourselves honestly. That we all stare ourselves in the mirror and acknowledge what we see back. The mirror is not something we should hide from. Rather the window into the world of the questions we've always been looking for.

Change.

Lately, I've been considering a lot about how people change. It's a fascinating concept, really. We spend all of our science classes discussing theories of evolution and how we physically change. Therefore, the focus is always on how people change in appearance as the be all end all. But what about how people change emotionally?

Typically, people don't like to show their emotions. It's a sign of weakness on the days when things aren't okay. It's a point of vulnerability when those around you know your emotions. It could easily be used against you. Obviously emotion implies a very temporary state, therefore a change in emotions will happen. Different things in life happen, so you will obviously feel different things at different times.

I think what is more important, is not how many emotions you have as the events of your life progress, but rather the existence and singularity of emotions and what you do with them. It's an abstract idea, I realize, but hear me out. When we were kids, we were all encouraged to feel something over every event. We were wide open and curious, not yet jaded by the events of life. But as time goes on, we slowly lose the ability to develop emotions because of how we have become jaded. If we can develop emotions, they're restricted to the simple things, like happiness or anger, whatever is easiest to stay numb.

On top of the development, or lack thereof, of emotions, comes what you do with them. Do you use them to let people in and be open? Or do you use it to push people away and hide how you feel? It's a scary concept deciding what to do with something so powerful, yet intangible. It's fascinating to me how much more powerful it is the emotions you show or hide rather than the emotions you have. In other words, it's more important whether or not you show it or not.

It's an incredibly abstract concept. I don't claim to know the answer, nor do I claim that I'm perfect in arranging and displaying my emotions. It's hard to say what you feel and show it, but there's something about being vulnerable that is freeing. There's no more hiding or second guessing, but rather what is exists out in the open. I would never claim to say that this is easy - rather it's quite intimidating and difficult to trust yourself to take such a large step. But ultimately, the prize you get from honesty and emotions is worth it the risks and fear.

Freedom.

Just a blip on the radar.....

So, for those of you who check my blog (which according to blogger, is a lot of you), I kinda fell off the face of the earth for a bit. No worries, I didn't break any bones or anything (surprisingly). I just took some time away to think, and I had some interesting epiphanies.

I find that when things go wrong, we never want to ask for help and admit defeat. We hide ourselves away in denial. We hope that things will change without ever asking for help. It's an interesting theory, to hide away the pain and the things that go wrong in your life. As hard as it is, I think that we are intrinsically programmed to be relational. Whether things are good or bad, we desire to be with other people and share our lives with them.

Sometimes just spending time with a person, regardless of what happens, can fix it all. It's the idea that you aren't alone. For all the times you think you are alone and things are wrong, there is a group of people there waiting to help you get through whatever it may be. There are times when there is no way to deny that the world may seem dark and distraught.

It's one thing to recognize the world is dark and distraught, but another to get through it. When you find the strength to push through the difficulty is when the true change happens. The events may still be poor and not in your favor, but you have to realize how much better things will get.

Let's be honest. Life sucks. You fail a class. You get dumped. Your best friend gets cancer. Your health falls apart. Your family falls apart. The list is endless of the things that can go wrong, and amidst that list, any possibility of anything that could go right seems bleak and menial. There's a reason we all have to go through the worst possible thing. We learn from it, and we become stronger.

When life gets ya down, have a burrito and take a nap, and wake up to realize it's gonna be okay. If you can pick your head up and walk through, you will see a better day. Let hope inspire you to move through difficulty. Let your inhibitions fall away to do the courageous things that help you through difficulty.

"Life is beautiful, but it's complicated. We don't need to understand there are miracles."

Apathy.

Life happens. 

It's an obvious statement that we're all aware of.

Life is also unpredictable. 

We hope for the best and expect the worst so as to not crush ourselves. 

Often we think we know what will happen next, and despite how much we think we know and despite how much we prepare ourselves, we can never expect what is going to happen. 

When it happens, we convince ourselves into a state of apathy. 

We say we don't care, and we're neutral, and we're fine. 

But can we ever be apathetic to huge life events?

Apathy is a strong word. 

Apathy is defined as a lack of feeling or emotion, a lack of interest or concern.

Life is like a train wreck. 

We all desire a sense of apathy towards the negative events that happen, and even apathy towards the positive events so our expectations are not set too high. 

The bottom line is the train wreck interests us. 

We can not be apathetic. 

We sit on the edge of our seats waiting for the next great event in life. 

We wait for the train wreck, or for something positive. 

Apathy does not exist as we attempt to make it.

I think apathy and neutralism are a very interesting states of existence. I suppose they are philosophical in that they affect how we think. Just like the majority of philosophical theories, there are flaws to the arguments. Like I said, I don't think we can really be truly neutral or apathetic toward anything despite our best efforts. I do think our indifference guides us to a stronger caring towards one or the other. Our lack of caring makes us care, reverse psychology, per say. 

Just remember, the unexpected occurs. But apathy is never to be expected. 

On apologies....

For those of you who know me, you know that I am one of those people who takes things personally. I don't handle insults well past a certain point and I always assume that everything is my fault, even when it is not. On the other hand, I'm stubborn and I don't like to outwardly admit defeat. Every now and then a situation hits me in just the right way that I am unable to let it go. It brings me to the point where I am able to admit defeat in my own special way.

When admitting defeat and apologizing, it says a lot about the person who is doing the apologizing but just as much as the person who will receive the apology. To the person who is doing the act of apologizing, it's a matter of letting go of your pride and admitting your relationship is worth more than your pride. By no means is this easy. I still struggle with this, and by describing the act of apologizing, I am in no way trying to imply I'm perfect and I do this every time. It's a difficult and selfless act that puts you in an uncomfortable and vulnerable spot. It really breaks down to it being the thought that counts.

As much as it says about the person doing the apologizing, it says an equal amount about the person receiving the apology. The receiver essentially has the power to accept or deny, and then potentially make other comments. The receiver has the power, and it takes a great amount of humility to simply accept the apology without using the power against the other person. Obviously if you are the person who has been wronged, there are a million and one negative comments you could say in return because you have been hurt. Sometimes it's necessary given the sincerity of the apology to clarify exactly how you feel in order for the situation to be fully resolved. But its important that those comments are done in a respectful manner to the person who apologized.

I'm sorry is just one simple phrase with three syllables and seven letters. It holds so much more power than that characters that compose it could ever suggest. You have the power in one phrase to take a situation and either resolve it or damage it even farther beyond repair. Apologies are just as messy as the situation that drove you to the point where an apology is necessary. Just remember the apologies are an act of humility. No one person is better whether they are doing the apology or accepting the act. Just remember your relationships are always more important than your pride.


“In this life, when you deny someone an apology,
you will remember it at time you beg forgiveness.”
― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

On waiting....

Last night, my friend sent me this picture. This was the start of a long conversation about waiting for opportunities. Some of the opportunities are more long term, others are just opportunities that never present themselves despite your best efforts. Sometimes it just seems like fate never gives you a fair shot. It got me thinking though, why do we always have to wait?

If you think about it, nothing in life comes instantaneously. Waiting is just a part of the nature of the world. You wait for your next class, your new schedule, for a promotion at work, to meet that special someone, on and on the list goes. Nothing comes without a wait. Sometimes the wait is for nothing, and the events never turn out as you planned.

There is nothing more devastating than waiting for nothing. I am not a patient person, and the most difficult part of waiting is not the test of my patience, but rather hoping the end result is worth my time and effort. When it's not, it creates this downward spiral questioning why you waited and for what. It's a very counterproductive process when you think about it. To wait and wait and to reap no benefit out of waiting. The lack of benefit represents how things in life just didn't go our way.

I like to think that the waiting is worth it. I like to think that when you wait, you learn things through the trials. Maybe this is a cliche thought, but nothing in life comes easily, or without some patience. It's never easy, but if everything was just handed to you, what would you learn? Learn to ask and your requests are answered without work?

We're always waiting for something. Sometimes it's something menial in our day to day lives. Other things are long term. Often the things that we want the most seem the most impossible, and the farthest from our grasp. There's a reason we have to wait though. There are always other events that have to take place before the others can occur in the long term. It's a process that seems endless and worthless, but there's a hidden value that can only be seen when you realize the growth that has to occur in you as an individual before something greater can happen.

I hate waiting just as much as anyone else. I'm not patient. But everything is worth the wait....

On the Human Condition....

Yesterday in basic drawing, we began discussing the formal element of form. We analyzed various still lives and their artistic principles. There was one that was quite a bit more colorful and optimistic, and one that was dark and ambiguous. I found myself incredibly drawn to the darker of the two. As my teacher began discussing it, he began explaining how the still life stood for a larger metaphor about the human condition, and that we all are so close to each other, but we never touch each other.

At first, I thought it was a bit far fetched. Yeah, I am an art history major, but how can a bunch of bottles and boxes placed incredibly close to each other be a metaphor for the human condition? Literally, it's a bunch of shapes that are placed so close together you can't tell whether or not they touch until you stick your nose up on it. How do you pull out that metaphor?? Then I realized... he really has a point...

We walk through our day to day lives constantly surrounded by people. In class you're inches away from your classmate, a foot away from the nearest office cubicle, a foot away from your family member on the touch, inches behind the person you're walking near when traveling between your day, on and on. We are infinitely close to people, but we never touch them.

Touch is a basic sense and often times it is meaningless. You must touch something in order to make it move. You must touch something to use it, on and on. I guess you could say it's a basic physics principle. Touching an inanimate object doesn't mean much at all.

But what about when you touch another human being? What about when two life forces meet? There's something about the combination of two live senses meeting that is so powerful, but we underestimate. In a more figurative sense, we can touch peoples lives without physically touching them. But we don't, we stand close to each other but we never touch each other, and that is the human condition.

Why don't we touch each other, both literally or figuratively? I realize how weird the wording of that sounds, but it's such an interesting concept. Human contact in turn exchanges emotions and feelings, and conveys various different things words can't. Words can convey the figurative touch, the figurative impression one conversation can leave on your life.

It's quite an intimidating thing, to either put yourself in a vulnerable state to be in physical contact with someone, or to use the power of your words to make an impact on a person's life. I think that we all fear it, but I don't think we should fear it. We were meant to be relational with each other and make an impact. And it's possible that the impact we make could be positive or negative. If the impact is negative, we grow from it and become stronger. If the impact is positive, we feel inspired to continue to change a life just as ours has been changed.

The human condition is that simple, we are close, but we do not touch. We let fear take over. But have faith that there is more, and it can be changed. It all starts with one touch...

On Searching....

The other day in philosophy, we read through the story of Socrates and Meno. Meno asks Socrates if virtue can be taught. Socrates, in his typical manner, never answered anything with declarative sentences, but rather with questions. So Socrates asked Meno what virtue was. As the didactic continues, Meno can not give a definition of virtue. Meno then proposes that, if you do not know what something is, you must search for it, but if you do not know what you are looking for, then how will you find it?

This dialogue was written in the fifth century BC, but the question is so poignant and applicable. We spend our lives searching. Searching for a significant other, a place to live, a career, so on and so on. But we go into this search with an open mind. Now, an open mind is good. We focus on the journey of the search as something that will teach us a great amount for our later lives. However, the journey becomes abysmal once the end destination is reached.

Whenever we reach the end destination, we feel satisfied. We feel as if we have found what we have always been searching for. Like the answer has simply fallen from above into our path. This sudden finding is satisfying, and we spend the rest of our lives working through this destination. The destination becomes another journey of its own.

But Meno has a point - if we do not have it, we must search for it. But how will we find it if we do not know what it is? If we can not define the thing that we are searching for, how will we know what it is when we get to it? We can obviously make grandiose guesses that the thing we find is the right thing based on its timing and appearance in our lives. I think often times we can define what we want. We want certain qualities in a significant other, we want to live in a certain place due to the amenities that it offers, we want a certain career based on the benefits offers us.

In this search, all of the variables are not separated and distinguished. They all become one. In this conjunction, the idea of individual qualities becomes lost. The search centers in what makes you happy, which often can not be defined, by the best efforts. If there is no definition, how will you know it when you find it?

It's a rather interesting thought, that the journey we spend our entire lives on may be for nothing. That we may be missing our end result. Socrates and Meno further discussed this journey when Socrates asked why we should even bother looking. Meno and Socrates debated and eventually came to the agreement that the search is still something you should embark upon.

This isn't meant to dishearten anyone on the journey. We are all on a journey searching for something unknown, but often within that we narrow ourselves into a certain train of thought. Let that train of thought be as broad as the possibilities you will encounter on your journey. Don't limit yourself based on qualifications that supposedly make you happy. You may or may not know what it is when you find it, but save your findings. Lock them away in your box of memories. It will come in handy later....

On Personal Space....

As the semester begins, I find myself overwhelmed with homework and life in general. I'm currently taking twenty credit hours, meaning I spend an average of twenty hours a week in class (it's actually closer to twenty-four). According to the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences, for every hour you spend in class, you can expect to spend an average of two to three hours in homework outside of class. Therefore, per week, I can expect forty-eight to seventy-two hours of homework a week. Together, I have anywhere from seventy-two to ninety-six hours a week in academics. Newsflash, there are one hundred and sixty eight hours in a week. Basically, this breaks down to, I have no time.

Then I came to this epiphany when I was drudging through my hours of homework - I realized that I can not do homework in my room. My roommate says it's because of my depressing taste in music, but I digress. I sit in my room and I feel I can't focus and I'm unproductive, and that lack of productivity just makes me angry with myself. Then I get angry and want to do nothing but eat or sleep. Then I waste time and I become even more angry.

So I decided to go to a local coffee shop today to try and get work done. I got about ten hours of work done in three hours. No, it was not because I was hyped up on espresso. It was because I found a place where the world felt content. I had a cup of coffee, some lovely music, and I was surrounded my commotion. Despite the commotion, I felt driven to work, and not distracted, unlike with the silence of my room.

Then I realized, everyone needs their place. It could be a shared or a public place. None the less, it is a place where you go and the world is content. Nothing can distract you and no wrong can exist there. You are free. But maybe this location isn't just a geographical thing. Maybe it's a mental state too. A mental state where you allow yourself to be free of whatever troubles you. Where your happiness blooms as your thoughts travel to new levels.

Space exists in multiple dimensions. But find your space, and run free.

On second chances...

Lately, I've noticed that there is a pressing view point that the best way to deal with a problem is to eliminate it via denial. For example, imagine you are having a conflict with another person. There is this new trend that if a problem arises, that the best thing to do is to eliminate the person from your life. There is no conversation or chance for apology, but rather a cold, hard deletion. It makes me wonder, what happened to second chances?

When I consider how people are removed from each others lives, I notice that it all comes back to a source of conflict and contention. This conflict and contention may be short lived, or it may be a long thing that has been building up for an extended period of time. As soon as it comes to head between the two people, it's becomes a make it or break it decision. You can eliminate the person from your life, or you can stay and work things out.

Theoretically, the easier thing to do is delete the person from your life. This logic follows by saying that if the person does not exist, that the problem does not exist. If the problem does not exist, your life becomes simpler. The logic does not dictate your attachments to the person, your feelings towards them, past experience, etc. It is the easy way out of a difficult situation. No one likes fighting.

What if the new model of problem solving was one of second chances? Think of where we would all be if no one would have given us a second chance. It's probably realistic to say that some of us would have failed out of school without that one professor that let us redo our assignment. We would have been in jail if it weren't for the second chance that our parents gave us when we messed up. We would be without friends without those that stand by you through the best and the worst in any given situation.

If you have an experience with someone, why would you give it up when it was difficult? Why wouldn't you give it a second chance? It's a difficult idea. To let go of the past anger, resentment and conflict and allow for a fresh start. The most difficult part is forgetting the bad things that have happened and trusting that the same person will not cause you the same pain again. But if you care, why would you give up?

I believe that in any situation, if someone lost someone that they cared for, they would always say that they wish they would have had a second chance, or that they would always give that person a second chance. This logic is followed by saying that either or both parties would do things different, and apologize. Instead we walk away from difficult situations and sit and commiserate with ourselves over our poor choices and the things that we wish we would have different.

This second chance concept now goes two different ways. First of all, if you have the opportunity, treat the person now the same way you would if you were given a second chance and you were trying to prove how much you cared. Show them the unconditional love and grace that they deserve. On the other note, never be afraid of second chances. People do change, but you have to let them change for themselves. You can not change them based on what you want, or based on what you think is right. You must let them realize the change needed for themselves. However, if someone does go through the process of changing, you must give them the second chance to see that they have changed.

It's this thing called grace. If you deserve it, it isn't grace. But that's what makes up our relationships with other people. The fact that sometimes people do not deserve our time and our love, but we give it to them because it is appropriate and we know that they need it. Never take for granted the time that you have with people, but also never take for granted the importance of grace and second chances.

If no one ever extended you grace, or second chances, where would you be today?

On moving...

As I began to pack to come back to school, I immediately encountered unsurmountable frustration. While I wasn't taking back much more than I came home with, I found that nothing fit anywhere. I just ended up with tons and tons of extra bags, and this overwhelming feeling of disorganization. But it got me thinking.....

The majority of us have a fear of moving and change. I myself, am included in this group of fear. I do not like change. Once things are well and settled, I want them to stay. I am a creature of habit. I like what I like and I like it that way. However, I find myself to be a transient person. I do not like staying in any one place for too long, and I get bored if I am in any one pattern for two long. Yet when things change, I long to go back for what I once had. It's a giant conundrum. If you got lost in that last paragraph, I apologize. 

Think about it this way - we all have a fear of change, and by packing we all are about to experience a change, be it temporary or permanent. But that little voice inside all of us longs for the change, which is why we ignore our fears and we pack and continue on. As the packing process continues, we soon learn that everything fits in the suitcase. This fabric case that can be transported wherever we go holds our lives. Upon traveling, the suitcase is opened up and our lives are examined before our very eyes by people we know little to nothing about. After that examination, we continue to move on. As much as the change and the unknown scares us, we take the suitcase with us, and we take all that we need to keep the familiar close and soften the blow of the unknown. 

Packing is one of the most stressful things I can possibly do. However, I enjoy unpacking and organizing. I don't enjoy the anxiety of the change, but I enjoy the final results of it. Life never stops changing. It's terrifying and we can never understand what is coming next. As scared as we are of change and what's next, everything fits in a suitcase. The suitcase is always with us, and so is the change. Don't let the change scare you, but let the suitcase comfort you.

Now, of course this is all metaphorical speak. The metaphor of packing and the suitcase stands for a larger theme of traveling and denial of stasis. The point of this being, that whatever we may need, we can always take with us. It will all fit in the suitcase. If it doesn't, that means it's meant to be left behind because something greater is coming to take its place. As you travel and people examine you before your very eyes, don't be afraid of the things they will see. Open up your story and share the contents of your suitcase as loud and proud as you can. Your story is beautiful and unique and deserves to be shared. Enjoy the change, as it stands for something greater that is in store. Do not fear the unknown, but let it be a comfort knowing what life is in store for you. 

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” 
― Terry Pratchett

Flaws

The other night I had a conversation with a friend about the notion of perfection. As we went back and forth in the debate, it was clear we had two different ideas about the notion. Then my friend presented the point that your flaws are what make you perfect.

If you know me at all, you know that I have a lot of these random and deep conversations. While I like deep thoughts, this is never a notion that I had previously considered. This conversation has stuck with me unlike any other I have had. It has left my mind in a paradoxical state that continues wandering as it looks for an answer.

From the time we are able to form thoughts, perfection is presented to us in an ideal that is lofty and unattainable. It is something that does not have a clear definition, but it is true that it can not be reached by any of us. Perfection is comparable to such wealthy ideals as diamonds.

So go with the idea of a diamond. The diamond is considered as close to as perfection as can possibly be attained on earth. But think of where the diamond came from. The diamond was not sent from another location considered to be lofty. Rather, it came from the opposite of what anyone would consider to be perfection. It comes from the ground and the dirt below us.

The dirt below us - the thing we take for granted. We take for granted it will always be below us, supporting us, keeping us up above. The thing we see as dirty and below us, both figuratively and literally, produces some of the most beautiful things we've ever seen. So if the nasty and the grimy are what produce perfection, do our flaws produce the perfection in us?

It's quite the ironical paradox to assume that the worst creates the best. If you think about it though, it's quite true. We all make mistakes, and there is no doubt about that. If you ask anyone about their mistakes, they can go back and explain various things they learned from their mistakes. Be it better decisions they intend to make, the changes they intend to make in how they treat others, the list is endless. But ultimately the mistakes that we make change something in us for the better.

The mistakes are the dirt in us, and they produce the perfection inside of us that is the diamonds.

"Many individuals have, like uncut diamonds, shining qualities beneath a rough exterior."
Juvenal

Love?

For those of you who know me, I am not an overly romantic person. I consider love to be something in a far off abyss that can never be reached. As I ponder this subject lately, I wonder what love even is. Does anyone really know? Can anyone define a singular emotion we spend our entire lives hoping to experience?

The other night I was with two of my high school friends. They are sophomores who started dating when they were freshmen. I've known the guy for years as he goes to my church, and I just recently started to become good friends with his girlfriend. As I drove them to their respective houses, when we got to the girls house, I instructed the guy to get out and go say goodbye to his girlfriend. I watched them get out of the car, as they grabbed hands and ran to the front door, I saw this smile and this look in their eyes that I will never forget. They preceded to say their goodbyes, and as I sat in my car and watched, I realized that for as young as they are, they know what love is.

Adults tend to take love quite seriously. No, I do not believe love is something that can be taken lightly. Adults tend to make "I love you" a phrase that is high and mighty above all others. One that can only be reached after months and months of patience and learning. One that can not be retracted. One that binds you to a person for eternity. One inflicting consequence. Adults believe the so called love that high school and college age students isn't real. They claim it is nothing more than a hormonal instinct based on obligations to say phrases inspired by societal norms.

Not to be contradictory, but yes, there are some people who don't understand love and its significance. We all know that one person who's been dating someone an hour and they decide they're in love, only to break up two days later. That's not love, that's just stupid. Anyways, I digress.

But what if the young kids have it right? What if love is that state of abandon? The state where it is you and the other person live in freedom. Freedom to experience emotions and expression and care. Freedom from the constraints of adulthoods. Freedom from the serious and cynical experience that jades us all form love. The vulnerability to be your true self with someone else and share life. A state of reckless abandon.

What if that unmitigated love that young ones model for us is the thing we spend our entire lives looking for? What if we let go of the constraints society puts on love and just let our feelings run? What if that unmitigated emotion we allowed ourselves to experience when we were young was the emotion we modeled the remainder of our love life off of? What if that unmitigated high school experience is the one you spend your life searching for after its lost? What if it comes back to you?

Let the resilient joy and vulnerability of that love just exist. Don't question it or push it away. Trust it. It's there for a reason. When you're scared and you run, remember you can always run back. If they love you, they'll be there waiting for you. 

“Love demands everything, they say, but my love demands only this: that no matter what happens or how long it takes, you'll keep faith in me, you'll remember who we are, and you'll never feel despair.” 
― Ann Brashares, My Name Is Memory

Forever alone?

I recently had a conversation with a friend. He asked if my life plan was to be forever alone. Let's be honest, my reaction towards him for asking such a frank question was less than pleasant. After a few days of pondering, I have a new respect for the question.

Does anyone really plan to be forever alone? I really can not possibly imagine any one person waking up and saying, I forever want to be void of romantic interaction for any plausible reason. No one commits to that out of their own volition. However, people come up with the idea and stick with it, often out of defeat. The defeat of a bad relationship and a lost love. The lost hope that ensues from that drives all of your decision making. To plan to be forever alone and to keep your expectations low means you will never re-experience the hurt and the defeat that got you there in the first place.

If you know me, you know that I have quite a low belief in romance and such. The thought frequently crosses my mind that my crazy life ambitions will get in the way of my ability to be married and such. Call it, my forever alone thoughts. I put it this way - I can have my cake, but I can't eat it too. I can get to New York and follow my dreams, and there is nothing in the way. I can't eat my cake too - I can't have a relationship while I'm doing it, mainly because most guys don't want to follow their girlfriends, but they want their girlfriends to follow them. I have a horribly dominant personality, and it just doesn't work that way. So, I ponder these thoughts.

Then I realize the beauty that comes with forever alone. Yes, there is pain involved within the defeat of that relationship you put hope in. But when you're going through the lowest of low is when you find yourself. You see things in yourself you never saw before. You see the truth of your personality as you explore new things, the strength that you have for persevering. After a long period of time, you realize the worst of it is over and you see the beauty from that situation, that you find you.

Without the pain, and without growing and learning from it, you will never see the truth of who you are. Without seeing the truth of who you are, you can never fully love someone else. Enjoy the time you are alone as you walk through and explore. The time you spend is not lost. You are not losing time looking for someone as you find yourself.

No one is ever forever alone.

(:

Independence

Today, my best friend called me, and said, "Hey, run a marathon with me." For those of you who know me, you know I can't even run around the block. I stuttered for a bit trying to find an answer. I mean, I have been wanting to work out more, and I felt that I needed a new goal in order to motivate myself. As I asked a few friends about it, a runner friend of mine answered and said, "I can't do it and I'm a runner, so you can't do it." At that moment, I immediately answered my best friend and told her, I'm all in.

As I sit back and ponder this conversation, I realize that my motivation for doing this marathon is only partially out of a desire to work out. The majority of the motivation stems from the fact that someone told me, I can't. See, when I was little, there were two rules in my house. One, I was not allowed to say "No." Two, I was not allowed to say "I can't."

If you've ever met me, you know that I am incredibly driven. I have goals that are above and beyond anything that most people would deem to be possible. Ask me my life plans and the things I'm doing to get there, and you will stare back at me in awe that I'm so organized and well thought through, but with complete confusion that I believe in myself that I can accomplish this. I realized that all of my motivation comes from constantly hearing, "You can't."

Yeah, I know this post is cheesy beyond belief. But let's be honest. There is no way I can possibly count the amount of times I heard, "You're not smart enough", "You're not good enough", "You won't get into college", "You won't get good enough grades", blah blah blah. Every time someone says I can't, my only instinct is to prove them wrong.

You can tell me I can't all you want. I am crazy ambitious. My life goals are far and above the atmosphere, waiting to be reached by one of NASA's crazy projects, even though NASA has no more funding. I know I'm crazy. Tell me I can't, but I will show you, I can do it and I will do it better than you ever imagined.

As I write this, I realize that there are so many flaws to this. First of all, there was a time when I quit as soon as someone said I couldn't do something. But after a while, I realized no one else can stop me from the things that I want to accomplish. It's my life. But why do we all so often get put down? Why do we let others stop us? Why do others feel the need to put others down?

It's a competitive world, and by no means is this post about to turn into an overly hipster rant on how we should all love each other. The point is, when you're competing, you can do it two ways. You can put others down, or you can work your hardest to reach your goals. When people put you down, you just have to work harder.

So go forth, commence, and do better.